Are you not entertained!? How to be OK with a bored child….
Dealing with the anxiety surrounding the need for children's constant engagement
"Boredom is the dream bird that hatches the egg of experience. A rustling in the leaves drives him away."
- Walter Benjamin
A common concern among parents when venturing into the world with children is if they’re going to have enough to entertain them. Whether it's the annual family feud gathering or a play date with a classmate, the threat of boredom looms ever large. That concern is an understandable yet modern phenomenon. We seem to have forgotten that some of our own favourite childhood memories were likely born from the depths of boredom: making a den, playing with the neighbours, dressing up. In short, boredom is a good thing, and we must allow children the space and time to be bored.
Is this amusement anxiety because we can’t cope with the thought of our wee treasures suffering through a second of boredom, or due to the panic about imagining what mischief they might conjure to fill the void? Both reasons present a problem.
Why children should learn to tolerate boredom
“Boredom always precedes a period of great creativity.” - Robert M. Pirsig
Once considered a standard part of childhood, boredom is now deemed to be unnecessary suffering that should be avoided at all costs. However, if kids constantly have every waking moment organised for them or filled with adult-led fun, they are robbed of the opportunity to experience that uncomfortable feeling and subsequently satisfy it themselves.
When the mind is allowed to wander into the subconscious, it starts solving problems, and boredom is a psychological problem.
It is the evolutionary perception of one's dissatisfaction with the present moment, which drives us to process ideas and seek stimulation or challenge. A restless rogue will fill the void by inventing a game, analysing arguments and seeking social interactions, or maybe just daydream about fantastical adventures. Either way, understanding how to cope and deal with boredom is a fundamental part of learning how to think.
Prepping for pandemonium
“Fail to prepare, prepare to fail” - Benjamin Franklin
How your children might embarrass you weighs heavy on the mind when planning any public encounters. Is this because parents want everyone to think their kids are little delights? Or is it the fear of judgement from the parenting police? Probably a bit of both. This inevitably leads to poor handling of public pandemonium as we panic to appease the little progeny so as not to soil the family name. All that happens here is children learn that the chosen behaviour is an acceptable way to communicate their needs, in public.
In addition, the current stigma of letting children run free, risk altercations and hurt themselves further necessitates a need to control children’s interactions and play as much as possible to reduce any possible risk. This once again restricts opportunities for them to learn by suffering through social, physical or enforced consequences, which are key to healthy development.
What can we do about it?
Boredom bag: have a bag or cupboard with basic resources that children learn to independently access when they need inspiration. Rather than pester adults, they can do that autonomously.
Explain boredom: enlighten children on this natural feeling and how it is an opportunity to create or learn.
Open-ended play: provide resources, limited instructions and then leave them to their own devices. Give them a challenge if necessary.
Model: share stories about how you benefited from boredom or have shared downtime, where you engage in hobbies.
Build gradually and praise autonomy: dish out the positive feedback and even rewards for keeping themselves entertained for longer periods than usual. Start easy and build.
Practice: choose a less pressurised environment, like a family member or friend's house, to rehearse the routines, expectations and to give opportunities for success. Eg. If swimming lessons are the issue, do a dry-run with a friend first.
Explain social expectations: you need to coach social norms as skills. Write out dos and don’ts for each scenario, from the car journeys to restaurants, children should be able to sit without constant attention and entertainment.
Negotiate the expectations and consequences: children are more likely to buy-in to your ideas if they are involved in the discussion. They are also likely to be reasonable, with different levels of prompting, when all is calm beforehand.
Consistent consequences: pre-coach the consequences of failing to adhere to the expectations, and follow through, no matter the backlash.
Be comfortable in chaos: or at least pretend to be. With a plan, it’s easier to deal with public meltdowns or stand-off. It also reduces the panic in the lead up to difficult, potentially tedious activities.