Don't make me get your father; the downside of deferring authority

Why passing the buck to someone else may not be an effective long-term strategy

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“Every parent should reward good behaviour and discourage poor behaviour. Encourage behaviour that will bring your child success outside the family and eliminate behaviour that will bring your child undue social hardship.”

- J.B. Peterson

Children behave better for some adults than others, it’s just a fact. But why? Is it a gender thing? A personality type? Or is it just that some people find it easier to impose consistent consequences on children’s actions.

Problems arise when, instead of developing a consistent response to behaviour ourselves, we outsource the authority, or the threat of it, to those we deem more capable of dealing with the current crisis. Even though it may work, that relief is temporary and only kicks the can down the road. Creating a reliance on alternative authorities is a risky long-term strategy, because ultimately, what do you then do when they’re not there?

Why is this a concern?

Maintaining the parent-child hierarchy is crucial. It is our job as parents to be in charge, to set limits, to guide and control, to protect and provide, and to do so with love and respect. - Dr. Gabor Maté

Children are hardwired to recognise hierarchies. It’s an evolutionary survival mechanism that allows them to place themselves most effectively in their microcosm. Whether we like it or not, they are constantly placing us, and if, instead of dealing with the drama ourselves, we build a habit of passing the buck, children will log that under evidence of societal order.

In addition, the mini-manipulators take careful note of which behaviours work with which adults. Calling in reinforcements may successfully tame the beast this time, but because you personally did not, nothing will change for the next round. This authoritative inequity can also strain relationships as frustrations manifest when there are feelings of inferiority on one side or if the other resents always being the disciplinarian.

When one lacks self-confidence—real or imagined—in their ability to manage behaviour, they tend to preload panic before lone pursuits with their child. Unfortunately, children feed off an anxious ambience, increasing the likelihood of unsuccessful excursions and subsequently fulfilling the prophetic dread.

If these cycles are left unbroken we are only doing children a disservice as when left untamed, children bring a sense of dread that leads to fewer invites, fewer friends and fewer positive interactions with adults.

What's the biggest challenge you're facing with parenting right now?

What can we do?

Having inconsistent responses to classics, like ‘just one more story’ makes life much more difficult for everyone. Instead, develop a mutually consistent approach for each scenario with the necessary adults.

Performance review

Openly discuss and observe effective approaches with those who have more scenario specific success. Not only might we pick up a tip a useful tip or two, but it helps the individual having the success, clarify the reasoning behind their strategies.

Disagree in private

Debates about a disciplinary decision in front of children can discredit the ‘loser’s’ credibility going forward. Kids will bounce between adults until they get the answer they want, and backing each other's authority is more important than your opinion on the decision, at that moment. Have a secret phrase that translates to: “I’ve already made a decision on this, we’ll discuss it later.”

Plan for every occasion

What seems like a regular scenario to an adult is still relatively novel to a child. Identify potential pinch points in your day and make explicit, to the children involved, the ideal way to conduct one's self. Explain the reward if they nail it and the consequences if they don’t.

Apply the plan, consistently

Once the rules are set, there are no excuses for bothersome scenarios. As long as all the adults are on the same page, stick to the game plan, apply the positive and negative consequences consistently and be patient. Be prepared for behaviour to get worse as children double down on their historically successful temper tactics.

Develop a mutual phrase bank

Clear communication is vital. Scrap the lectures and decide on short, sharp phrases to consistently prompt a child's response. E.g. try that again; make a better choice; do you need time to think about your decisions?.

Tap out

Of course, there is a time and place to sub yourself out, get a fresh pair of eyes on the situation and take a breather. There is a big difference between developing your own authority through consistency and dying on every hill regardless of your own emotional state.