The Curse of Compassion: when over-empathising has unintended consequences.
How excessively empathetic approaches can negatively affect children's development.
Growing up as a Gen X, my parents taught me to be strong, independent and learn to solve problems on my own. Today, this parenting technique is called neglect.
- Rodney Norman
There has been a push, in recent years, towards a more compassionate approach to child development, due to a greater understanding of how old-school, authoritarian methods negatively impact confidence and self-worth. However, has it all gone too far?
Adults, nowadays, seem to walk on eggshells around children, sheltering them from situations that may cause distress, hurt feelings or damage to their self-esteem. We rush to validate big emotions, make excuses and defer fault to everything and anyone else rather than risk a child dealing with the tribulations of real-life themselves. This commitment to a constant state of contentment risks sacrificing long-term resilience for short-term comfort.
What is empathy?
Empathy involves understanding and sharing others' emotions, while compassion drives the desire to help them.
Empathy is strongly correlated with the personality trait agreeableness, and describes those who are nurturing, altruistic and compassionate. It is a significant aspect of the maternal instinct and a mothers’ ability to respond to an infant needs, which is essential for keeping them alive. Empathetic adults are much more aware of and, therefore, affected by children’s emotions, which means they are inclined to intervene when children encounter something difficult or become upset.
Excessive empathy
“I judge you unfortunate because you have never lived through misfortune. You have passed through life without an opponent. No one can ever know what you are capable of, not even you.” - Seneca
Being overly nurturing towards children when they encounter any emotional or physical strife, takes away their opportunity to learn how to deal with set-backs, regulate their emotions and resolve conflicts on their own. Furthermore, even though empathy is a sign of moral integrity, it can also manifest as pity, which subconsciously perceives children as less capable than they are. Either way, children crave autonomy, and require it to eventually become effective adults. Restricting this can:
Lower expectations: children internalise the expectations placed upon them, and limiting them impacts their own perception of what they can achieve.
Hinder confidence: children need to feel capable, especially in comparison to their peer group, to tackle challenges on their own.
Create resentment: bitterness grows when adults perceive a lack of appreciation from children. Similarly, disdain develops in children who are constantly fussed over and denied their freedom.
Undermine agency: children learn to expect adult assistance when they encounter a difficulty, rather than feeling empowered to persevere themselves.
Increase the fear of failure: shielding children can make them risk avoidant due to a lack of coping skills to effectively deal with challenges.
“A child who can fend for themselves is a lot safer than one forever coddled because the coddled child will not have parents around all the time, even though they act as if they will.” - Lenore Skenazy, Free-range kids
Less compassionate individuals are typically ignorant of others emotions, due to being low in agreeableness. However, they are also more sceptical about a child’s motives, which is a necessary perspective when analysing the true intentions of an action or behaviour. They are also less likely to avoid conflict, and will therefore enforce unpopular consequences for behaviour, without fear of the turmoil it could cause.
Fundamentally, our personality affects our approach and finding a balance is key to developing independent, resilient humans. To help achieve this, we can demonstrate to children how to:
Embrace discomfort: facing difficult challenges head on, even if failure is likely, develops resilience for the next challenge, compared to shying away.
View failure as learning: losing, failing and social rejection offer opportunities to reflect and analyse for ways to develop their own character.
Make a plan: anxiety about future scenarios can be debilitating. Instead of avoiding them, make a plan to deal with potential adversities they might encounter.
Focus on what they can control: accepting children can’t control the actions and perceptions of others, or even our own initial reaction to situations, frees them to prioritise strategies that give them a sense of autonomy.
Appreciate effort: appreciating effort, rather than the end result, builds a child a bank of evidence demonstrating their ability to persevere through adversity.