The Myth of self-esteem
Children are not perfect, so don't tell them they are...
“It’s perfectly normal to doubt your abilities, you are just expanding your domain of competence, think of it as a line in the sand that lets you know you are out of your comfort zone” - Seth Godin
Self-esteem is a concept that has slipped from being a useful tool of evidence-based psychology to an inaccurate measure of children’s well-being. It is not beneficial to focus on maximising children’s happiness or ‘self-esteem’ as it can’t be accurately quantified and depends on their genetic proclivity to feel positive - and negative - emotions. Supporting children to accurately assess their value allows them to be appropriately happy in their current circumstances whilst being aware of areas for development.
What is self-esteem?
Just like anxiety, ‘self-esteem’ is heavily correlated to trait neuroticism. People who score low on this personality scale tend not to care much for the opinions of others or let situations drag them into a pit of despair. In addition, individuals who are highly extroverted - annoyingly optimistic happy-go-lucky social butterflies - tend to come across as having high self-esteem. Essentially, self-esteem is a neatly repackaged product of trait extraversion minus neuroticism, multiplied by competence. The levels of positive or negative emotion we feel about situations have a strong genetic element, which is accentuated by environmental factors, especially during childhood.
The problem with self-esteem
It’s not necessarily the term itself, but how it’s used as a metric for a child’s well-being. Do we assess children’s self-esteem generally or in specific scenarios? And is it self-reflection or an adult’s judgment? Either way, it’s an impossible, subjective measurement which is heavily skewed by the personality of the assessed and assessors. Neurotic, compassionate adults will overthink a child's emotional state, which is very useful for keeping them alive, but long-term, children must be allowed the freedom to have fights, fallouts and suffer defeat in order to learn how to regulate their emotions on their own. Interestingly, guess who school bullies tend to be? Those who don’t care what others think (low neuroticism), have an unrealistic self-image (highly extroverted) and have been told that they are the dog’s bollocks cats’ pyjamas their whole life.
How to manage self-esteem effectively
It’s not beneficial to have an unrealistic self-image of yourself, whether that’s positive (arrogance) or negative (insecurity). Therefore, children should be taught to judge themselves fairly by learning how to:
Assess competence by comparing yourself to others in a specific hierarchy (sports team; job; social group)
Accurate assessment allows us to predict future outcomes more effectively
Inaccurate assessments can result in a harsh reality check when something challenges it
Develop competence in an area that you are insecure about
Confidence is competence: gather undeniable evidence, by putting in the work, to prove your ability to yourself and others
Pick an aspect to improve (social skills, physical fitness, career development) and break it down into achievable steps to develop
If you are competent but not confident, find opportunities to appreciate your achievements
Prepare and practice for scenarios that you feel less confident about
People consistently underestimate how confident 20 minutes of preparation makes them look and feel - check out the Feynman Technique
The Dunning-Kruger effect - overestimating your ability - is common in highly extroverted people
Introverts are more likely to prepare, but not necessarily practice, either privately or in real life
Seek validation from internal reward rather than external recognition
Avoid seeking validation through self-promotion; praise from others; social media, etc.
Focus on developing qualities like empathy, gratitude and integrity by supporting the advancement of others in your family or community
Surround yourself with people who want the best for you
True friends are genuinely happy for you when you achieve something and support you effectively along the way
They will also tell you hard truths when they need to be heard
Radical honesty with yourself
The devil on our shoulder makes excuses for bad habits, laziness, poor decision-making and so on
Be honest in self-evaluation of strengths, weaknesses and values.
Take responsibility for your actions and recognise we have control over the steps we take to improve circumstances