Why defiance isn't a disorder
How disagreeable personality types are misunderstood and over-diagnosed
“The one who follows the crowd will usually go no further than the crowd. The one who walks alone is likely to find himself in places no one has ever been."
– Francis Phillip Wernig
No-one’s favourite movie character is the slimy, subservient sidekick. We root for the rebellious rogues and the leaders of the resistance because we admire those who stand up for what they believe in and fight perceived injustices, rather than shy away.
Now, schools are hardly oppressive regimes in need of an 8-year-old revolutionary to topple the tyrannical teachers, but the defiant personality type is well-established in society for a reason. This doesn’t mean they are always right or should be encouraged, but we ought to take a breath before we treat it like a disorder.
What is agreeableness?
Agreeableness: the tendency to weigh others’ interests against your own.
Personality traits can be measured quite accurately through the Big-5 and Hexaco tests (not Myers-Briggs), and although somewhat malleable, traits have a strong genetic component. Therefore, where children sit on the scale of agreeable to disagreeable i.e. defiant, is not right or wrong, but an evolutionarily essential perspective for society.
Defiant children come across as difficult because adults rarely love their ideas or authority being challenged by smart-ass children. However, it is rarely personal and just the fact that some personalities are not dissuaded by conflict, are more sceptical and care less about others feelings. They are also competitive and their hatred of losing, whether it’s arguments or sports, often overrides their fear of potential consequences.
Even though it's a more challenging personality, where would we be without those willing to go against the grain? Essential historical figures, like Einstein, Steve Jobs or Martin Luther King Jr, famously pushed back against the norms of their time, despite significant opposition to their ideas. You also have Hitler, so I’m not saying it’s all positive.
Let’s agree to disagree
Having a disagreeable personality explains defiance, but it isn’t an excuse to be rude, disrespectful or to lack compassion. Respecting authority, appreciating the necessity for rules and expressing empathy are values deemed essential for children to integrate into society, but just come more naturally to some than others. The leading predictor of incarceration in adults, is extremely low agreeableness, making it vital that these skills are taught early in childhood.
On the other side of the spectrum, you have highly agreeable children who are more easily manipulated by others, rarely do things they prefer or stand up for themselves. This social imbalance can harbour resentment if an individual is always putting others first, whether it’s through compassion or the desire to be polite, rather than making sure their own feelings or interests are appreciated. Yet, these children are rarely taught the skills needed to be more assertive.
How to deal with defiance
Clear and consistent consequences: even defiant children are more likely to accept the ramifications if they have been established in advance and are fairly enforced. Avoid surprise repercussions.
Remember the carrot: it’s easier to forget to praise desirable behaviours as they are expected and less noticeable. Defiant children need positive behaviours explicitly and regularly reinforced through praise and rewards.
Pick your battles: not every point of contention is a personal attack. Disagreeable children are wired to oppose, be right and prove others wrong. Some issues are better reflected on down the line, especially if emotions are heightened.
Plenty of warning: has the child heard, understood and then remembered what you asked? We often assume defiance when a child simply hasn’t understood the instructions. Using a combination of visual and verbal communication can clarify expectations.
Develop rapport: we’re all more likely to listen to people we like. Defiant children are no different; they just take more work. Use humour, talk about preferred topics and be (or at least appear to be) interested in what they say
Let them be right: Scratch the know-it-all itch by creating opportunities for them to show off their knowledge about their favourite topics.
Remove emotions: challenging authority is a form of social status seeking, and being able to affect emotions can be seen as a win for the challenger. The ability to ignore a behaviour is a powerful tool, even if a consequence must be applied later.
Negotiate: rather than making easily refusable demands, give children autonomy through choices from a carefully pre-determined selection.
Embrace the difference: viewing defiance as a personality trait allows us to empower a child’s scepticism whilst teaching the skills to effectively challenge perspectives without being, well….annoying.