The Epidemic of Discipline Deficit Disorder

How a lack of self-restraint leads to self-destruction

Sep 12, 2023

Discipline beats motivation every time. It makes you do things even when you don’t want to. If we only do things that we are motivated by, then we leave success up to chance.

- Jocko Willink

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It is concerning that four well-behaved kids at a restaurant with no devices, is deemed witchcraft these days, yet was normal in the nineties. The haste at which difficult children are being referred, diagnosed and medicated, without considering ill-discipline, should be alarming, especially, when there is little effort to educate parents and caregivers about tried and tested behaviour modification strategies.

What’s causing a lack of discipline?

“Small disciplines repeated consistently achieve great things slowly over time.” - John Maxwell

There is a bit of stigma around child discipline as people can wrongly associate it with the cane, spanking and authoritarian teachers. It’s long-been clear that these strategies for behaviour modification have negative long-term effects, but now we find ourselves at the other end of the spectrum, where the thought of inconveniencing a child is bad practice.

For 20 years, parents and teachers have been told what not to do, with very little information about what to do. Combine this with the fear of judgment and the pseudo-parenting skills of an iPad, and you have a generation of children deprived of discipline. It’s okay to move a child to a timeout chair against their will, or risk a tantrum by not giving in to demand, the key is to consistently implement strategies that slowly teach children how to appropriately earn rewards whilst being wary of consequences. Strategies for instilling discipline:

Set clear expectations and boundaries. Establish what is expected of children and explain why, with consistently applied rewards and consequences.
Model self-discipline, respect and the ability to admit fault or error. Stay calm when addressing behaviour to model emotional regulation and avoid escalation.
Praise expected behaviour and effort. Even during a tantrum, the slightest window to give praise can get the day back on track.
Use consequences consistently. Ignore the tantrum and use the opportunity when everyone is calm to explain the expectations again and why.
Encourage independence. Do less for children and give age-appropriate responsibilities.

Why is self-discipline important?

The word “discipline” is from the Latin word disciplina, meaning “instruction and teaching.” It is derived from the root word discere—”to learn.”

Self-discipline is the ability to resist impulses, delay gratification and stick to goals. From the Greeks to Buddhism, every successful civilization and religion has teachings of self-discipline baked into it, yet modern society doesn’t seem to think it's necessary any more. Children don’t have a chance while the adults in the room are addicted to convenient dopamine dumps via takeaways, social media, wine and Netflix, and no longer value discomfort. Humans are biologically wired to gain from voluntarily taking on difficult challenges in the pursuit of a goal, yet we are inundated with unsustainable virtual temptation. The ability to recognise, and admit to ourselves the questionable long-term benefit of a current habit is difficult, and it’s difficult for a reason, as evolution requires a reliable mechanism to differentiate between the useful and useless.

Developing discipline

1. Take control of your body

“The body should be treated more rigorously, that it may not be disobedient to the mind.” — Seneca

The body and mind are inextricably linked. Regular exercise is more effective than counselling and medication in treating mental health, yet is rarely prescribed as a first-choice treatment. Children need 60 minutes of moderate exercise every day, but most countries limit play time to 30 minutes with 2 hours of P.E. per week. Teaching the value of exercise should be a priority for all children, and not just the sporty ones. Strategies to promote physical health:

Walks, surrounded by nature if possible. Try Geocaching, bringing a ball, setting challenges and having discussion topics ready.
Exercise challenges. Implement these weekly, even for 1 minute, and see if you can beat your previous score
Join sports clubs. Explore a few until you find the right one. From lawn bowls to pickleball, there are sports for all abilities and age groups.
Stretching and mobility. You don’t need an hour’s yoga to benefit, try 5 minutes.
Saunas and ice baths. Yes, they are safe for all ages with supervision and have incredible health benefits.
Swimming. Completing 20 lengths would be great, but even playing in the pool gets the heart rate up.

“Be tolerant with others, but strict with yourself”. - Marcus Aurelius

Like Vice called out to Hercules, our deVICEs, call to us from our pockets. And as modern society drowns in instant gratification, it becomes harder to resist fulfilling our every desire on the spot. Restraint also applies to our emotions, as a cool mind is an effective mind. Offence cannot be given, only taken, meaning we have the ability to choose how to interpret people’s actions, and how they affect us. Self-discipline encourages emotional bulletproofing by practising patience and analysing our feelings before we react. Ways to practise restraint:

Meditation and breath work. Start short and practice, as it's not only beneficial during sessions but also develops skills to deal with stressful situations
Set screen-time goals. Limit phone, device and TV usage.
Use timers. When a craving pops up, hold off. The slightest delay is a win.
Accountability. Bring a friend on board, and hold each other accountable. Habit tracker apps can also achieve this.
Avoidance. Dodge the contexts that provide temptation.
Keep notes. Reflect on inevitable slip-ups, view failure as a chance to learn and plan for next time.
Reward. Celebrate delaying gratification, and train your body to crave the process rather than the outcome. Focus on rewards that require effort.

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The Misfit Memo